Morgan Evans

1. Newt Gingrich’s press secretary R.C. Hammond has quit the campaign after Gingrich called Mormonism a ‘cult’, reportedly saying that it was an insult to other cults and that Newt Gingrich was “stupid, fat and ugly and also bad at Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater”

2. According to the New York Times, by spearheading a one-day protest in which thousands rallied at West Coast ports, Occupy Oakland has cast itself as the true champion of America’s workers, and also the first thing to ever happen in Oakland.

3. According to a recent article Mall Santas are undergoing training for how to deal with requests from children in such a poor economy, which harkens back to 2007 when Mall Santas were trained to deal with a massive influx of Jews.

4. A Bank in Beirut is under investigation after it was called “The Hub of Hezbollah’s Financing”. The United States has already sprung into action and gave the bank, like we give all banks, hundreds of millions of dollars.

5. This year more and more Americans reported bringing “store bought” foods to holiday dinners in lieu of preparing something themselves. When asked for a comment, the American people simply held up a picture of someone named “Handsome Keith” and said, “he works at the grocery store now.”

6. According to big retailers, there is a hole in this year’s holiday shopping season due to a lack of a “hit toy” like Furby or Tickleme Elmo. It’s actually not the toy companies faults, however, as more and more children are turning to the “hit toy” of the future… crystal meth.

7. Mitt Romney is coming under fire this week after a massive campaign gaff in which he drank an entire Martinelli’s Apple Juice container full of human diareah. When asked for a comment Romney said quote, “What can you do? I just love drinking diarrhea!”