I’ve been asked to apply as a contributor to the new UCB Magazine so I sent in my Squirrel Story and a list of 30 Jokes. Here are those jokes.
1. Football becomes infinitely more interesting if one assumes that slow-motion replays are just the players manipulating spacetime.
2. While walking around today a lunatic came out of nowhere and fired a gun at me. Luckily the Kindle in my breast pocket had The Bible on it.
3. Do you think concentration camps are on Foursquare? I don’t know if i’d want to be friends with the “Mayor of Auschwitz.”
4. A Freudian slip is basically just your brain using predictive text.
5. I feel bad for whoever is going to have to jerk Billy Ray Cyrus off before he dies in order to save our future generations’ celebrities.
6. Albert Brooks is the Woody Allen of Los Angeles.
7. I bet if there was an autoerotic asphyxiation challenge everyone would win! #CelebrityApprentice
8. Working on a movie about a homeless guy who’s secretly living in the attic of the girl he is currently dating. It’s called “Over Your Head.”
9. Thought Watson was a great host on Jeopardy tonight.
10. If I have to watch Breathless one more time I’m gonna jump cut my wrists.
11. I think Frank Gehry designed this Angry Birds level.
12. Huckleberry Finn has gone the way of Four Loko. By that I mean it still exists but now lacks the component that keeps you alert at school.
13. At the grocery store I bought toothpaste, Oreos and beer. I’m either a depressing person or baking a really disgusting cake.
14. Watching live coverage of Egypt. Whatever concert that crowd is there for looks off the chain!!
15. Say what you will about “America’s Funniest Home Videos” but it was just YouTube with voice over.
16. Quick status update: still upper middle class
17. Obama is on a hunt to end “dumb rules” according to the Times. First to go will be having to defer to Congress.
18. Anne Hathaway is playing Catwoman in the next Batman, which is a bummer because I was hoping they would cast that lady from Animal Hoarders
19. I really like to watch reality shows where people might die and then pause the show to create a Schrödinger’s cat paradox within my DVR.
20. Researchers at Harvard University have gotten a worm to lay eggs by using lasers, which makes them the most boring super villains ever.
21. The PGA Awards: Where box office gross is second only to high blood pressure. (Retweeted by JUDD APATOW! LOL.)
22. The PGA Awards are not broadcasted on television due to 90% of producer’s faces being FCC violations. (Favorited by JUDD APATOW! LOL.)
23. Timothy Cook, Apple’s chief operating officer, will take over for Steve Jobs until a new Timothy Cook comes out that does his job better.
24. Thousands of fish have turned up dead along Chicago’s lakefront. Things also turning up dead in Chicago? Homeless people.
25. Finally saw “Exit Through The Gift Shop” I see why Banksy turned to a life of crime, I would too if my voice and face were that distorted.
26. Working on a modern adaptation of Narcissus. It’s about a guy who drowns in a vat of developer after trying to kiss a picture of himself.
27. If Goldman Sachs invests in Facebook it’ll be the closest anybody in that company has ever been to a farm.
28. I’m okay with periodic police or TSA searches of our persons before boarding only so long as they also check everyone for bed bugs.
29. Now that my job revolves around twitter, I’ve been tweeting a lot less. It’s similar to what happened to Obama’s zeal once he was elected.
30. Bill Clinton is vegan AND he plays saxophone. I still can’t believe Lisa Simpson was our president.